C.A.T.S. Operatives

SIGN

“We don’t know a lot about the C.A.T.S. operatives, what we do know is that their name stands for Containment Assessment Tracking Storage, that they frequently act as consultants for law enforcement and the military and and that their mysterious and sinister nature is offset by the high tech, vaguely kitty-like helmets they wear.” – Brian Foster

Cherub

“The first time I saw one of them was during the Gift Card Incident of 2007. The perps had been operating out of an abandoned office supply store in Ruskin, Alabama. It had taken a lot of patience, cunning and faux Rite Aid Gift Cards to get all the members of the gang together in the same place at the same time but my team and I had done it. The place was surrounded and the local authorities were standing by. I gave the world and my team charged in to find they were all dead. It had been a group suicide, they had all gorged themselves of mail order beef jerky and washed it down with cyanide-laced off brand energy drinks. A trio of armed C.A.T.S. operatives were walking among the bodies, their faces hidden behind those bizarre space cat helmets they wore. Naturally we tried to arrest them but they had a court order and special dispensation from the assistant attorney general. While we did the cleanup they went around confiscating all the gift cards for Emblazon Unlimited products and cases of dried squid extract.” – Atwater

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“Each of those four unlucky drivers called the 911 to report what had happened, and in one case to call for an ambulance. Despite each of them reporting a quick and efficient conversation with an operator there is no record or recording of any of those calls ever reaching the emergency services central dispatchers. And as for the folks that needed an ambulance? They’re perfectly fine, but they don’t remember ever making a 911 call, or an accident, or the entire day at all for that matter. All they remember is… cats.” – Brian Foster

MONITOR ONE

“Hello again Brian. I am sure you never expected me to contact you again… I know I didn’t. The thing is that I’ve been having these flashes of memory- or something like memories. I think perhaps we did have the Ana Harrani Sa Alaktasa La Tarat in our possession. I am sure I held it now, and read from it. I’m also sure that I invoked the Myers Protocol and the book was taken from the library’s possession. But Brian, I know this is going to sound insane, but I’m pretty sure the book was confiscated by cats. You know what? Maybe we should talk about this in person.” -Jasper Moradi

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The Mire of Nix

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“It was a place where the only illumination was like the the light from the sun filtered down through the depths of the sea, it was a place where the water was thick and the trees were bent and wounded. There are things that live there, stunted figures with skin like old scabs that sang at the feet of a faceless priest.”-Brian Foster

“O’er the midnight moorlands crying.
Thro’ the cypress forests sighing.
In the night-wind madly flying.
Hellish forms with streaming hair;
In the barren branches creaking.
By the stagnant swamp-pools speaking.
Past the shore-cliffs ever shrieking,
Damn’d demons of despair.”-‘Despair’ by HP Lovecraft

Osrick Langhorne

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“Objective vs Subjective is a false dichotomy. There is no subjective reality, only imperfect memories of objective experiences. The belief in the subjective is the height of hubris. The reason we accept this as “subjective” is because we think we are real, we think we are important. And we are “real”, but just not very real. We do have free will, but compared to the higher beings in the universe, we have as much free will as your average peanut…” -From the lecture notes of Osrick Langhorne

“…I quit college and began searching for a mentor, a mentor wise in the ways of the supernatural but also within driving distance of my house. And after making my way through a long roster of charlatans and lunatics I met Osrick Langhorne.”-Brian Foster blog entry #13712041

“The frontal lobe, a wondrous addition to the self-replicating physical object known as a nervous system. A handful of neurons that give us the ability to do one thing, it looks for patterns, then makes rules. If X then Y. If not Y, then Z. These rules cover almost everything we do. If you think of your mind as a computer, these rules are just subroutines. We are nothing but triggered cascading subroutines. Except for the frontal lobe. That little glob of protein and lipids gives us a unique power among the natives of this world. The power to turn on a subroutine, and the power to turn them off. That’s the extent of our free will…”-From the lecture notes of Osrick Langhorne

“Osrick Langhorne was a part time mystic and a full time Mark Twain impersonator. He spent his days reciting ‘The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County’ for bored grade schoolers, which paid for his nights exploring the boundaries of reality. I, for one, can’t imagine which occupation would drive a person to madness sooner.”-Brian Foster blog entry #13712041

“There is a difference between you and animals. We have memes. Our thoughts, our daydreams, our beliefs, the stronger we think, the stronger we feel, the more memes we create. Memes exist without us. You do not understand their true nature. How thoughts can take on a life of their own. They can exist without us. Most of the time we just give off random memes that just flit about and are consumed by stronger memes. If you are starting to get the bigger picture, You are quite right. In the grand circle of memetic ecology, we… are the algae. Now imagine that you were swimming in the ocean one afternoon and some clump of algae started talking to you. This is their perspective. Boggling. Unexpected. And potentially dangerous. Tell me, would you want all the algae in the world to become self aware? Would you want algae talking about oppression and algae rights? The world’s ecosystem is built on algae. Memetic Ecology is built on humans…”-From the lecture notes of Osrick Langhorne

“…together we hunted down a vampire, gathered a sizable amount of Goatman scat for testing and even staged a raid on the Library of Alex Chandrea that ended with us stealing a copy of the legendary De Geheime Leer Van De Uitgang. Unfortunately that book was the beginning of the end. We thought we were prepared but the Mire of Nix made short work of us…” -Brian Foster blog entry #13712041

“I haven’t talked much about THEM, because you needed to understand what we are first. THEY do not have senses. THEY do not see, or smell, or hear. THEY just know truth. THEY do not need senses to gather information that is interpreted, subjectively, in their minds. THEY just know objective truth. THEY just know what objective reality IS. No wonder we appear as algae to THEM.”-From the lecture notes of Osrick Langhorne

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The World of the Night Blogger: The Nine Rebel Sermons

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“People rarely get the messiah they expect or the salvation they deserve.” – From the Sermon of the First Day. (1958 Baldwin Press Edition)

“The Nine Rebel sermons were written by Father Bartholomew Tiggle, founder of the Unified Church of the Divine Muldvarp. The Muldvarpians as they were called, were active in the mining city of Gloria Foramen from 930 to 972 and were known for their rejection of the ecclesiastical hierarchy, early embrace of concepts normally associated with Renaissance-era Manichaeism and their firmly held belief that Jesus was fathered by a faceless albino salamander from the center of the Earth…” –Jasper Moradi, the Sacred Wit Podcast (Episode 40)

“Interdum EGO sentio Ego got
Ego obtinuit ad fugiendum
Apage te a dolore agitare in animo de me
Amor participes sumus,
Ut nusquam videtur,
Et Ego perdidi Illuminatio Mea
Non enim dormiunt nocte replebor doloribus…” – From the Sermon of the Second Day (Original Text)

“…in the summer of 927 an army of mercenaries in the employ of the Holy See surrounded the city of the Gloria Foramen and demanded the Muldvarpians renounce their heretical beliefs. If they swore allegiance to the One True Church they would all be spared. They were given ten days to comply. Instead of giving in the Muldvarpians began a period of fasting and prayer, and on the morning of each of those days Bartholomew Tiggle shouted a sermon from atop the tallest building of the city. A trio of Papal Inquisitors had been sent along with the army to make a record of the event, they took down every word he said. Each one of those sermons was more blasphemous than the last, so blasphemous in fact that the Inquisitors ordered the mercenaries to attack a day early rather than be subjected to any more….”-Jasper Moradi, the Sacred Wit Podcast (Episode 40)

“Thgil fled from his burning house. He was barefoot and clothed only in his loincloth. Thgil no longer knew where the blood of loved ones began and the blood of their murderers ended. Everywhere there was smoke and screams. A ragged shape charged at Thgil, brandishing a club and howling. One swing from the old sword brought Thgil’s attacker down. The second tore a long, deep wound in the man’s chest. More blood stained Thgil, this time it puddled at his bare feet and ran in thick rivulets along the cobblestone road. Thgil watched the man die, then and forgave him…” -From the Sermon of the Third Day (1958 Baldwin Press Edition)

“…once Gloria Foramen and its citizens had been reduced to ashes the Inquisitors returned and presented their transcriptions to the Pope. In the end there were a lot of things John XII didn’t understand about it all but what he found most perplexing of all was that each Inquisitor’s transcription of Father Tiggles’s words was radically different than the others. In the end they decided to blame it all on the Devil and consign the ‘Nine Rebel Sermons’ to a place deep within the Vatican’s secret archives…” -Jasper Moradi, the Sacred Wit Podcast (Episode 40)

“Γεννήθηκα στο βαγόνι μιας επίδειξης ταξιδιού
Η μαμά μου συνήθιζε να χορεύει για τα χρήματα που έπαιρνε
Ο Παπά θα έκανε ό, τι μπορούσε
Κηρύξτε ένα μικρό ευαγγέλιο, πουλάτε ένα ζευγάρι μπουκάλια του γιατρού καλές

Τσιγγάνικα, αδέσποτα και κλέφτες
Θα το ακούσουμε από τους ανθρώπους της πόλης
Θα μας τηλεφωνούσαν τσιγγάνους, αδέσποτα και κλέφτες
Αλλά κάθε βράδυ όλοι οι άνδρες θα έρθουν γύρω
Και βάλτε τα χρήματά τους κάτω…” -From the Sermon of the Fourth Day (Greek Text)

“…it should have ended there, but a less than a month after the fall of Gloria Foramen Pope John XII was dead, widely accepted story was that he was killed by the jealous husband of one of his many lovers but some sources claim the Earth cracked open under his feet and he was swallowed whole….” -Jasper Moradi, the Sacred Wit Podcast (Episode 40)

latex -From the Sermon of the Fifth Day (1958 Baldwin Press Edition)

“…a year later bound editions of Tiggle’s words began to circulate through Europe, no one knows the source. Of course they were suppressed but five copies survived, they were translated into Greek and Luxembourgish and given footnotes, appendices and an a series of mind-bendingly complex algebraic equations, in fact this supplemental material was so extensive that it was thirteen times the length of the actual sermons. In 1958 Baldwin Press released an English edition, only a few dozen got out into the world before agents of the federal government sized all of Baldwin Press’s holdings and charged the owners of being in the employ of a foreign power…” -Jasper Moradi, the Sacred Wit Podcast (Episode 40)

“It was all overseen by Thgil. Thgil was a study in contradictions. On one hand he was the messiah. On the other hand he was blind, beddridden and prone to fits of uncontrollable drooling. A pair of Rectors from the Second Circle attended the venerable old Maestro; two Preceptors of the Third Circle attended them each in turn. Those members of the Third circle had brought along a retinue of eight Deans from the Fourth Circle and each of those Deans had a pair of Sub-deans from the Fifth Circle to accompany them. Each of them translated Elymas’ burbled wisdom in the own way…” –From the Sermon of the Sixth Day (1961 Unauthorized Bee-Line Books Edition.)

“The release and subsequent repression of the Baldwin Press edition led to a scramble for other, less reputable publishers to try and capitalize on it. For instance Bee-Line Books, a publishing house for pornography, created their own version from an incomplete copy of the translator’s notes. As to whether they got those notes before or after the translator was found dead from extreme hypothermia in his Florida apartment is up for debate…” -Jasper Moradi, the Sacred Wit Podcast (Episode 40)

“Wann et net fir Katarakt-Eye Yossef gewiesselt gouf ech war eng laang Zäit bestuet. Wou hutt Dir komm, wou hutt Dir goen? Wou hutt Dir komm, Katarakt-Eye Yossef? Hien huet Katastrophen iwwerall hänke gelooss. D’Häerzer vun de Meeder war an d’Häll, brécht, geschéckt. Si hunn alleguer fortgelaf, fir datt et kee weess. A verloosse nëmmen Männer vu Cataract-Eye Yossef. Wann et net fir Katarakt-Eye Yossef gewiesselt gouf ech war eng laang Zäit bestuet. Wou hutt Dir komm, wou hutt Dir goen? Wou hutt Dir komm, Katarakt-Eye Yossef? Hien huet Katastrophen iwwerall hänke gelooss. D’Häerzer vun de Meeder war an d’Häll, brécht, geschéckt. Si hunn alleguer fortgelaf, fir datt et kee weess. A verloosse nëmmen Männer vu Cataract-Eye Yossef. Wann et net fir Katarakt-Eye Yossef gewiesselt gouf Ech war eng laang Zäit bestuet. Wou hutt Dir komm, wou hutt Dir goen? Wou hutt Dir komm, Katarakt-Eye Yossef?” -From the Sermon of the Seventh Day (Luxembourgish Text)

“Another version of the ‘Nine Rebel Sermons’ was never in print at all. In 1977 it was released in an audio version recorded onto a series of 102 hour-long reel to reel tapes. Each tape has a different reader, only one of which has ever been possibly identified. That reader was supposedly Elizabeth Short, who had been gruesomely murdered in the ‘Black Dahlia’ case some thirty years previously. Unlikely I know but Phoebe Mae Short was very insistent that she was hearing the voice of her daughter…” -Jasper Moradi, the Sacred Wit Podcast (Episode 40)

“Here Metatron and Thgil held the victims, while I drew my sharp sword from beside my thigh, and dug a pit of a cubit’s length this way and that, and around it poured a libation to all the Dero, first with milk and jewels, thereafter with the bones of giants, and in the third place with shards of copper, and I sprinkled thereon white barley meal. And I earnestly entreated the Lords of the Great Below, vowing that when I came to Capernaum I would sacrifice in my halls the swine things, and pile the altar with goodly gifts, and to Ninazu alone would sacrifice the eldest of the Nine Sisters. But when with vows and prayers I had made supplication to the tribes of Ubb, I took the victims and cut their throats over the pit, and the dark blood ran forth…” -From the Sermon of the Eighth Day (1977 Audio Version: Tape#65)

“Most recently Mantong Periodicals Edition attempted to produce their own version working from an copy of the Luxembourgian text, a print run of 2,000 copies were produced in China but errors in formatting and typesetting left this version practically unreadable. Mantong Periodicals filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy shortly afterwards. However there are some scholars out there that believe this 2004 edition is the closet to Father Bartholomew Tiggle’s original intent..” -Jasper Moradi, the Sacred Wit Podcast (Episode 40)

“B͞ȩ̕t͘wee͘n ̧̛̀t̴h̸̸̀e̶̕ ̵̢m̡͡e̴͢n̨̛h҉ir̡͡s ̵̸f͘͠lo҉w̸͘e̴̕͜d͡͏ a̴͘͞ ̢͢͝d̴a҉́rḱ͞ ̴͝t̴҉id̴̵e̵͞ ̶̧̛ǫ͠f̵͡ ̸s̴̢had͟ò̶ẁ͜s͡,̸͞ ̸u͜ǹ͢s̀͡t̨̀a̡b̶l̕͢e ̴̀a͟҉n̶̷d́͟ ͘c҉̛ha͜͠o̵t̵̨̛i̶̶͟c̵͡.̕͝ ̡T͟he̶͡҉ ͏̧́R͜i̢n̴̕g̶ ̵͟҉fi̕l̴l҉̸̸e͜d̴ ẁ̀͘ith҉ ̷͞ģ̷l̴̀͡i͢͝t̕̕t̛è̡r̴i̴͝͏nģ̸͟ ̶͞ę̛͜y̡͏͞e͠s̛͜ ̷̨́w̸̛ḩ͏i̷͢c̵h̢͏ ͘͟h̵o͝v̢eŗ̸e͡d̴̢͟ ̶͡b̨ey̶ó́n͟d͞ ̀t̸͞h͞e͟ ̶͝d̸̛i̛m̸̢҉ ̛͞i̸ĺ̷l̛u̸̧͡s͝i͢v̶e͏̕ ̴ć͏ir҉ćl̵̡é͟ ̡͞ò̕f͟ ̡͞i̴̸͡l̴l͠u̸̧m̛i̢͢n͡a̧̛t͢io̷͢͝ǹ̢̀ ҉c̕a̷̴̸s͟ţ͘ ̷̨b̢̡y̢ ̸ţh̢e͘͜ ̧̧̀ph̵͞o̕sphor͝͝e͏s͟c̡e̵̡n̴͘t͢ ͢͢ą̵lt́͘ar̸..͞..̸͢͜ ̢̨͠H̷̷͢e̸ ̧͢s͏t̡͘r͏͢a̕͞i͟͠͞n҉̢́ed̀͏҉ ͘͟h̸͢i̴̛s ̸͘͞e͏̸̕ỳ̶è̢̛s͘,̸͠ ̨́t͏r͘ỳin̸g̸̨ ͡tơ̕ m̢̕ą̕k̢͘͢e͠ o̷̕ư̧ţ t̀̀h͟e̢̛ ̛s͢h͏҉á̛p̵͜è̢s͏͝͞ ̧̕o͠f̨̀ ̵t̶͡h͜o̴̕se̷̵ ̕͠ẁ̶҉h̨o̕҉ ̢̢̨ri͟n͢g͞e͟͡͞d̸͏̷ ̸̨͠ḩ̨͠i͟m̀͠. B͡͝͡ù͘t̀͜͝ ͝he ̨gli̛͜m̶̕p̧s̶̀e̵̢d͟ ̸ò̢͝nļ̕͞y҉̧ ̛b͘͠į́̀l҉l͞o͏̴͏w҉i̡ņg̀ ͘ḿ͡as̵śe͞s͟͞ ̴҉̷o͏f͠ ̸͘͝s͠ha̛͟͞d͟͞o͏̶w̸̶̴ wh̷i̸c͘ḩ̡̡ ̕h͘͢͝e̵àv̴͡ed ́̀a҉nḑ́͠ ͝͝w͞ri̢t̷͜͟h̴̵͢é͝d̸͝͠ ̧̧a̴̴n̨d̷̢ ̧s̛q̸͟ư͜i͠rm̛͘e̶d͢ ̢w̴i̕t͡h̛ al͡m̨͘o͠st̴̴ f̴̧lu̷i͏̸d̴҉ c̶̕o͘ǹ͢s̸͘i̧͠s̶̶̢t́͞e̴͠n̵̡c҉̶y.͞.̷͝.̛.̵̡ ̡O̷̧n̡͢e ̡́s̛̕͢e͡g̵m̷͘e͝n̡͝t̴̵͠ ͞͝of͜ ͜t̡́he ̸̶m̡͡as͏s̴͟͝ ҉d̸́͟e̴̶͜t̴̡͏a͞҉c͠͏h̨͜ed ́͢͢i̡t̢͟s͡è̢̛l̵̛͜f̀͘ ͡͏f̴́̕ǫ̴r a͞ǹ̨ ̕͢͠i̷͠ǹ̕͞s͏̕t̸á̴ń̡ţ͟ ̧͏a̧͢͡nd̢͝҉ Thgil c̢̢͞r̶̨̛i̴̛ed͏ ͞o̸u͏̀t̀͢ ̨̧̡i͢n̨ ̢f̛̛ier҉̶̛c̸̵͜e͜͏ ̢̀͞r͢e̵vu͏ĺ̶s҉i͜o̵̸n͠҉,̷͘ ҉th̶͟o̶u͝͝g̡͠h̶ ̨͟h̡͞e c͠aư̧͘ght̶҉ ͜o͠͞n͏ļ͝y ̢͜͞a̡͞ f̵l͘͟e̸e̷t҉ì̵̕n҉̛͢g̡ ͜͝g̕l̛͜i̵̶̶m̸͢͠p͜͡s̢͞ę̵͢ òf̡̨͠ ̶̡th̢̀͞e̡ ͢t̸̕h̷͘̕í̷́n̶͢g,̡̕͡ h́͠á̢͢d̕͏͘ ̡̡͢o̴ņ̵͝l҉y̨͟ ̸ą̛ ̴̨b̸r̢̀i̴̛̕e҉̷f͡ ̶͡i͞m̛͏҉pŗ́ę̶ss͘io̵҉n ͡o͞f̴͞ ͜a̧͏͜ ͏̸b̶͞roa̛d͘ ̷̨҉s̷̀́t̛r̴̵a͟͠n̡̨g̸e͢l͏҉y̡͟͞ ̀f̷͟͞l̸͞a̵̸͝t̷̷̸t̢̀e̴̷n̡ed ̶ḩea҉̶͟d, pe̴̡͠n͢҉͝du̕͡͡ļ͞͡ou̢̢s͟ ͝w̸͜r҉̛i̧t̸̢h҉́i̷ng̴̨ ́l̸i̛͡p̶s̢ ̧t̡hà̴t ͏͏b̕a͞͠red̴̷͜ ̷c̨u̷r͢v҉̢̀e͘͜͟d̢̨ ̧͢p͟o͞í̧n͘͜t̨͘͡e҉d̴ f̀á̶͞n̡͜g̡͝͠ş̷͏,͡ ̨a̴͠nd̛͘ ͠a͜͢ ̸h́҉̷i̷̷͟d̨͢eǫ͠ùś͞l̀y̛͢͠ ̸mi̡s͢͟s̵h̵͡ap̨̡e͢n̴̸,͢ ̢d͟ẁ͘ą͡r̢f̶҉ish̵ ́b̕o̶͟dy̵͠ ̡t̀h͟a̵̢̧t̴͢͝ ͜҉se͞e͞m͢͠e͏d͜͝͞—̢͜m̶̕͠o̴̵͝t̵̡͘tl̵͜e̡d̶̀—̛͠͏a͜l̡l͡͞ ͝͏s̀̕e̡̛͞t ́o͠f̴̨͞f̵҉̀ b̷͜͠y͠ ̨t̢h̷͘͝o̵s̨̧͞e҉̕ ̵҉ų́n͡wí͞n̷͡k̡͘͜i̧͝n̨g͏ ̀͢r̵e̡͝p҉t̡͢͡i̕͟l̨͝ì̴̀a͟͟͝n̛̕͞ ̶̕͞e̴ye͘͘s̕͟҉.̶͘͟ ͞G͏od̵s̴̵!—͜͞͝t̵͏hé̸͞ mý͟t̢̀͢h̡͠s͡ ̢h҉͜a̶̢͞d͜͝ ͏p҉reṕa̧r̴̛͠e̛d́ ̧͝͞h͘͝i̷͏m̡ ̴̛for̵ ̀͢͠h͘o̵͞͠r̛͏ŕ̷͜or͠ i͞n͞ ̵̕͝h͟u҉̴̢m̴a̵n̷͘ ̴ą͏spe͘c̢t̛,͠ h̸͢o̸̵̢r̵̢͡r͘o̷͟ŗ̸ ͠i͡͞͝n̡du͏̨c̨e̢d̵́ ͘b͘͠y b̧̕e͘͝s͏ţ̴i͘͞a̡̡l̛͘͢ ̶̨v͠i̴̕s̀̕̕a̶͝g̸e̛͢͝ ̕͠a͟҉́n̢̛d͠͠ ̨͜s͜͟t̀͟͏u͢͠n҉̧͢t͜͜e̷d̴ d͟ef̷͠or͝m̵͘i̧͜͝ty̨̕—͜͢b҉̵́u̕̕t͟ ̨t̕h̢i̵͞s̡ ͜͜w̵͝҉a͏̀s͜ ҉̀t͡h̛e͘ ̷h͘͢o̸ŗr̶̛o̴̧͠r̛͜ ̷of̵̨ ni̕g̵͟h̨tm̡̧͜are̷̢ à̵n̵͡d́ ͏th̡҉̴e̡̨ ͏́n͞i̡g͢h̀̀t̢.̷.҉.̵̧.͟͏ ̷͘-“ -From the Sermon of the Ninth Day (2004 Mantong Periodicals Edition)

“My opinion of the Nine Rebel Sermons? It’s the heaviest book I’ve never read.” -Brian Foster

The Nine Rebel Sermons

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“People rarely get the messiah they expect or the salvation they deserve.” – From the Sermon of the First Day. (1958 Baldwin Press Edition)

“The Nine Rebel sermons were written by Father Bartholomew Tiggle, founder of the Unified Church of the Divine Muldvarp. The Muldvarpians as they were called, were active in the mining city of Gloria Foramen from 930  to 972 and were known for their rejection of the ecclesiastical hierarchy, early embrace of concepts normally associated with Renaissance-era  Manichaeism and their firmly held belief that Jesus was fathered by a faceless albino salamander from the center of the Earth…” –Jasper Moradi, the Sacred Wit Podcast (Episode 40)

“Interdum EGO sentio Ego got
Ego obtinuit ad fugiendum
Apage te a dolore agitare in animo de me
Amor participes sumus,
Ut nusquam videtur,
Et Ego perdidi Illuminatio Mea
Non enim dormiunt nocte replebor doloribus…” – From the Sermon of the Second Day (Original Text)

“…in the summer of 927 an army of mercenaries in the employ of the Holy See surrounded the city of the Gloria Foramen and demanded the Muldvarpians renounce their heretical beliefs. If they swore allegiance to the One True Church they would all be spared. They were given ten days to comply. Instead of giving in the Muldvarpians began a period of fasting and prayer, and on the morning of each of those days Bartholomew Tiggle shouted a sermon from atop the tallest building of the city. A trio of Papal Inquisitors had been sent along with the army to make a record of the event, they took down every word he said. Each one of those sermons was more blasphemous than the last, so blasphemous in fact that the Inquisitors ordered the mercenaries to attack a day early rather than be subjected to any more….”-Jasper Moradi, the Sacred Wit Podcast (Episode 40)

“Thgil fled from his burning house. He was barefoot and clothed only in his loincloth. Thgil no longer knew where the blood of loved ones began and the blood of their murderers ended. Everywhere there was smoke and screams. A ragged shape charged at Thgil, brandishing a club and howling. One swing from the old sword brought Thgil’s attacker down. The second tore a long, deep wound in the man’s chest. More blood stained Thgil, this time it puddled at his bare feet and ran in thick rivulets along the cobblestone road. Thgil watched the man die, then and forgave him…” -From the Sermon of the Third Day (1958 Baldwin Press Edition)

“…once Gloria Foramen and its citizens had been reduced to ashes the Inquisitors returned and presented their transcriptions to the Pope. In the end there were a lot of things John XII didn’t understand about it all but what he found most perplexing of all was that each Inquisitor’s transcription of Father Tiggles’s words was radically different than the others. In the end they decided to blame it all on the Devil and consign the ‘Nine Rebel Sermons’ to a place deep within the Vatican’s secret archives…” -Jasper Moradi, the Sacred Wit Podcast (Episode 40)

“Γεννήθηκα στο βαγόνι μιας επίδειξης ταξιδιού
Η μαμά μου συνήθιζε να χορεύει για τα χρήματα που έπαιρνε
Ο Παπά θα έκανε ό, τι μπορούσε
Κηρύξτε ένα μικρό ευαγγέλιο, πουλάτε ένα ζευγάρι μπουκάλια του γιατρού καλές

Τσιγγάνικα, αδέσποτα και κλέφτες
Θα το ακούσουμε από τους ανθρώπους της πόλης
Θα μας τηλεφωνούσαν τσιγγάνους, αδέσποτα και κλέφτες
Αλλά κάθε βράδυ όλοι οι άνδρες θα έρθουν γύρω
Και βάλτε τα χρήματά τους κάτω…” -From the Sermon of the Fourth Day (Greek Text)

“…it should have ended there, but a less than a month after the fall of Gloria Foramen Pope John XII was dead, widely accepted story was that he was killed by the jealous husband of one of his many lovers but some sources claim the Earth cracked open under his feet and he was swallowed whole….” -Jasper Moradi, the Sacred Wit Podcast (Episode 40)

latex -From the Sermon of the Fifth Day (1958 Baldwin Press Edition)

“…a year later bound editions of Tiggle’s words began to circulate through Europe, no one knows the source. Of course they were suppressed but five copies survived, they were translated into Greek and Luxembourgish and given footnotes, appendices and an a series of mind-bendingly complex algebraic equations, in fact this supplemental material was so extensive that it was thirteen times the length of the actual sermons. In 1958 Baldwin Press released an English edition, only a few dozen got out into the world before agents of the federal government sized all of Baldwin Press’s holdings and charged the owners of being in the employ of a foreign power…”  -Jasper Moradi, the Sacred Wit Podcast (Episode 40)

“It was all overseen by Thgil. Thgil was a study in contradictions. On one hand he was the messiah. On the other hand he was blind, beddridden and prone to fits of uncontrollable drooling. A pair of Rectors from the Second Circle attended the venerable old Maestro; two Preceptors of the Third Circle attended them each in turn. Those members of the Third circle had brought along a retinue of eight Deans from the Fourth Circle and each of those Deans had a pair of Sub-deans from the Fifth Circle to accompany them. Each of them translated Elymas’ burbled wisdom in the own way…”  –From the Sermon of the Sixth Day (1961 Unauthorized Bee-Line Books Edition.)

“The release and subsequent repression of the Baldwin Press edition led to a scramble for other, less reputable publishers to try and capitalize on it. For instance Bee-Line Books, a publishing house for pornography, created their own version from an incomplete copy of the translator’s notes. As to whether they got those notes before or after the translator was found dead from extreme hypothermia in his Florida apartment is up for debate…” -Jasper Moradi, the Sacred Wit Podcast (Episode 40)

“Wann et net fir Katarakt-Eye Yossef gewiesselt gouf ech war eng laang Zäit bestuet. Wou hutt Dir komm, wou hutt Dir goen? Wou hutt Dir komm, Katarakt-Eye Yossef? Hien huet Katastrophen iwwerall hänke gelooss. D’Häerzer vun de Meeder war an d’Häll, brécht, geschéckt. Si hunn alleguer fortgelaf, fir datt et kee weess. A verloosse nëmmen Männer vu Cataract-Eye Yossef. Wann et net fir Katarakt-Eye Yossef gewiesselt gouf ech war eng laang Zäit bestuet. Wou hutt Dir komm, wou hutt Dir goen? Wou hutt Dir komm, Katarakt-Eye Yossef? Hien huet Katastrophen iwwerall hänke gelooss. D’Häerzer vun de Meeder war an d’Häll, brécht, geschéckt. Si hunn alleguer fortgelaf, fir datt et kee weess. A verloosse nëmmen Männer vu Cataract-Eye Yossef. Wann et net fir Katarakt-Eye Yossef gewiesselt gouf Ech war eng laang Zäit bestuet. Wou hutt Dir komm, wou hutt Dir goen? Wou hutt Dir komm, Katarakt-Eye Yossef?” -From the Sermon of the Seventh Day (Luxembourgish Text)

“Another version of the ‘Nine Rebel Sermons’ was never in print at all. In 1977 it was released in an audio version recorded onto a series of 102 hour-long reel to reel tapes. Each tape has a different reader, only one of which has ever been possibly identified. That reader was supposedly Elizabeth Short, who had been gruesomely murdered in the ‘Black Dahlia’ case some thirty years previously. Unlikely I know but Phoebe Mae Short was very insistent that she was hearing the voice of her daughter…”  -Jasper Moradi, the Sacred Wit Podcast (Episode 40)

“Here Metatron and Thgil held the victims, while I drew my sharp sword from beside my thigh, and dug a pit of a cubit’s length this way and that, and around it poured a libation to all the Dero, first with milk and jewels, thereafter with the bones of giants, and in the third place with shards of copper, and I sprinkled thereon white barley meal. And I earnestly entreated the Lords of the Great Below, vowing that when I came to Capernaum I would sacrifice in my halls the swine things, and pile the altar with goodly gifts, and to Ninazu alone would sacrifice the eldest of the Nine Sisters. But when with vows and prayers I had made supplication to the tribes of Ubb, I took the victims and cut their throats over the pit, and the dark blood ran forth…” -From the Sermon of the Eighth Day (1977 Audio Version: Tape#65)

“Most recently Mantong Periodicals Edition attempted to produce their own version working from an copy of the Luxembourgian text, a print run of 2,000 copies were produced in China but errors in formatting and typesetting left this version practically unreadable. Mantong Periodicals filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy shortly afterwards. However there are some scholars out there that believe this 2004 edition is the closet to Father Bartholomew Tiggle’s original intent..” -Jasper Moradi, the Sacred Wit Podcast (Episode 40)

“B͞ȩ̕t͘wee͘n ̧̛̀t̴h̸̸̀e̶̕ ̵̢m̡͡e̴͢n̨̛h҉ir̡͡s ̵̸f͘͠lo҉w̸͘e̴̕͜d͡͏ a̴͘͞ ̢͢͝d̴a҉́rḱ͞ ̴͝t̴҉id̴̵e̵͞ ̶̧̛ǫ͠f̵͡ ̸s̴̢had͟ò̶ẁ͜s͡,̸͞ ̸u͜ǹ͢s̀͡t̨̀a̡b̶l̕͢e ̴̀a͟҉n̶̷d́͟ ͘c҉̛ha͜͠o̵t̵̨̛i̶̶͟c̵͡.̕͝ ̡T͟he̶͡҉ ͏̧́R͜i̢n̴̕g̶ ̵͟҉fi̕l̴l҉̸̸e͜d̴ ẁ̀͘ith҉ ̷͞ģ̷l̴̀͡i͢͝t̕̕t̛è̡r̴i̴͝͏nģ̸͟ ̶͞ę̛͜y̡͏͞e͠s̛͜ ̷̨́w̸̛ḩ͏i̷͢c̵h̢͏ ͘͟h̵o͝v̢eŗ̸e͡d̴̢͟ ̶͡b̨ey̶ó́n͟d͞ ̀t̸͞h͞e͟ ̶͝d̸̛i̛m̸̢҉ ̛͞i̸ĺ̷l̛u̸̧͡s͝i͢v̶e͏̕ ̴ć͏ir҉ćl̵̡é͟ ̡͞ò̕f͟ ̡͞i̴̸͡l̴l͠u̸̧m̛i̢͢n͡a̧̛t͢io̷͢͝ǹ̢̀ ҉c̕a̷̴̸s͟ţ͘ ̷̨b̢̡y̢ ̸ţh̢e͘͜ ̧̧̀ph̵͞o̕sphor͝͝e͏s͟c̡e̵̡n̴͘t͢ ͢͢ą̵lt́͘ar̸..͞..̸͢͜ ̢̨͠H̷̷͢e̸ ̧͢s͏t̡͘r͏͢a̕͞i͟͠͞n҉̢́ed̀͏҉ ͘͟h̸͢i̴̛s ̸͘͞e͏̸̕ỳ̶è̢̛s͘,̸͠ ̨́t͏r͘ỳin̸g̸̨ ͡tơ̕ m̢̕ą̕k̢͘͢e͠ o̷̕ư̧ţ t̀̀h͟e̢̛ ̛s͢h͏҉á̛p̵͜è̢s͏͝͞ ̧̕o͠f̨̀ ̵t̶͡h͜o̴̕se̷̵ ̕͠ẁ̶҉h̨o̕҉ ̢̢̨ri͟n͢g͞e͟͡͞d̸͏̷ ̸̨͠ḩ̨͠i͟m̀͠. B͡͝͡ù͘t̀͜͝ ͝he ̨gli̛͜m̶̕p̧s̶̀e̵̢d͟ ̸ò̢͝nļ̕͞y҉̧ ̛b͘͠į́̀l҉l͞o͏̴͏w҉i̡ņg̀ ͘ḿ͡as̵śe͞s͟͞ ̴҉̷o͏f͠ ̸͘͝s͠ha̛͟͞d͟͞o͏̶w̸̶̴ wh̷i̸c͘ḩ̡̡ ̕h͘͢͝e̵àv̴͡ed ́̀a҉nḑ́͠ ͝͝w͞ri̢t̷͜͟h̴̵͢é͝d̸͝͠ ̧̧a̴̴n̨d̷̢ ̧s̛q̸͟ư͜i͠rm̛͘e̶d͢ ̢w̴i̕t͡h̛ al͡m̨͘o͠st̴̴ f̴̧lu̷i͏̸d̴҉ c̶̕o͘ǹ͢s̸͘i̧͠s̶̶̢t́͞e̴͠n̵̡c҉̶y.͞.̷͝.̛.̵̡ ̡O̷̧n̡͢e ̡́s̛̕͢e͡g̵m̷͘e͝n̡͝t̴̵͠ ͞͝of͜ ͜t̡́he ̸̶m̡͡as͏s̴͟͝ ҉d̸́͟e̴̶͜t̴̡͏a͞҉c͠͏h̨͜ed ́͢͢i̡t̢͟s͡è̢̛l̵̛͜f̀͘ ͡͏f̴́̕ǫ̴r a͞ǹ̨ ̕͢͠i̷͠ǹ̕͞s͏̕t̸á̴ń̡ţ͟ ̧͏a̧͢͡nd̢͝҉ Thgil c̢̢͞r̶̨̛i̴̛ed͏ ͞o̸u͏̀t̀͢ ̨̧̡i͢n̨ ̢f̛̛ier҉̶̛c̸̵͜e͜͏ ̢̀͞r͢e̵vu͏ĺ̶s҉i͜o̵̸n͠҉,̷͘ ҉th̶͟o̶u͝͝g̡͠h̶ ̨͟h̡͞e c͠aư̧͘ght̶҉ ͜o͠͞n͏ļ͝y ̢͜͞a̡͞ f̵l͘͟e̸e̷t҉ì̵̕n҉̛͢g̡ ͜͝g̕l̛͜i̵̶̶m̸͢͠p͜͡s̢͞ę̵͢ òf̡̨͠ ̶̡th̢̀͞e̡ ͢t̸̕h̷͘̕í̷́n̶͢g,̡̕͡ h́͠á̢͢d̕͏͘ ̡̡͢o̴ņ̵͝l҉y̨͟ ̸ą̛ ̴̨b̸r̢̀i̴̛̕e҉̷f͡ ̶͡i͞m̛͏҉pŗ́ę̶ss͘io̵҉n ͡o͞f̴͞ ͜a̧͏͜ ͏̸b̶͞roa̛d͘ ̷̨҉s̷̀́t̛r̴̵a͟͠n̡̨g̸e͢l͏҉y̡͟͞ ̀f̷͟͞l̸͞a̵̸͝t̷̷̸t̢̀e̴̷n̡ed ̶ḩea҉̶͟d, pe̴̡͠n͢҉͝du̕͡͡ļ͞͡ou̢̢s͟ ͝w̸͜r҉̛i̧t̸̢h҉́i̷ng̴̨ ́l̸i̛͡p̶s̢ ̧t̡hà̴t ͏͏b̕a͞͠red̴̷͜ ̷c̨u̷r͢v҉̢̀e͘͜͟d̢̨ ̧͢p͟o͞í̧n͘͜t̨͘͡e҉d̴ f̀á̶͞n̡͜g̡͝͠ş̷͏,͡ ̨a̴͠nd̛͘ ͠a͜͢ ̸h́҉̷i̷̷͟d̨͢eǫ͠ùś͞l̀y̛͢͠ ̸mi̡s͢͟s̵h̵͡ap̨̡e͢n̴̸,͢ ̢d͟ẁ͘ą͡r̢f̶҉ish̵ ́b̕o̶͟dy̵͠ ̡t̀h͟a̵̢̧t̴͢͝ ͜҉se͞e͞m͢͠e͏d͜͝͞—̢͜m̶̕͠o̴̵͝t̵̡͘tl̵͜e̡d̶̀—̛͠͏a͜l̡l͡͞ ͝͏s̀̕e̡̛͞t ́o͠f̴̨͞f̵҉̀ b̷͜͠y͠ ̨t̢h̷͘͝o̵s̨̧͞e҉̕ ̵҉ų́n͡wí͞n̷͡k̡͘͜i̧͝n̨g͏ ̀͢r̵e̡͝p҉t̡͢͡i̕͟l̨͝ì̴̀a͟͟͝n̛̕͞ ̶̕͞e̴ye͘͘s̕͟҉.̶͘͟ ͞G͏od̵s̴̵!—͜͞͝t̵͏hé̸͞ mý͟t̢̀͢h̡͠s͡ ̢h҉͜a̶̢͞d͜͝ ͏p҉reṕa̧r̴̛͠e̛d́ ̧͝͞h͘͝i̷͏m̡ ̴̛for̵ ̀͢͠h͘o̵͞͠r̛͏ŕ̷͜or͠ i͞n͞ ̵̕͝h͟u҉̴̢m̴a̵n̷͘ ̴ą͏spe͘c̢t̛,͠ h̸͢o̸̵̢r̵̢͡r͘o̷͟ŗ̸ ͠i͡͞͝n̡du͏̨c̨e̢d̵́ ͘b͘͠y b̧̕e͘͝s͏ţ̴i͘͞a̡̡l̛͘͢ ̶̨v͠i̴̕s̀̕̕a̶͝g̸e̛͢͝ ̕͠a͟҉́n̢̛d͠͠ ̨͜s͜͟t̀͟͏u͢͠n҉̧͢t͜͜e̷d̴ d͟ef̷͠or͝m̵͘i̧͜͝ty̨̕—͜͢b҉̵́u̕̕t͟ ̨t̕h̢i̵͞s̡ ͜͜w̵͝҉a͏̀s͜ ҉̀t͡h̛e͘ ̷h͘͢o̸ŗr̶̛o̴̧͠r̛͜ ̷of̵̨ ni̕g̵͟h̨tm̡̧͜are̷̢ à̵n̵͡d́ ͏th̡҉̴e̡̨ ͏́n͞i̡g͢h̀̀t̢.̷.҉.̵̧.͟͏ ̷͘-“ -From the Sermon of the Ninth Day (2004 Mantong Periodicals Edition)

“My opinion of the Nine Rebel Sermons? It’s the heaviest book I’ve never read.” -Brian Foster